Vintage Remembrance

I think I'm the wrong person to talk to when it comes to money. I either use it, or give it away, according to my budget.

I know how to budget, but I save just enough for emergency purposes, hardly for any investment. I live within my means. If I don't have much at a given time, I'd know how to limit myself in all aspects

I try not to live on credit. That is why I don't lend much. My mind is so fixed at the assumption that other people are and should strive to be self-sufficient. I can hardly sleep when I know I owe somebody some amount that I try my best to pay the person immediately.

I am inflexible when it comes to lending-- aside from not having enough budget for it. And since I've grown with the inflexibility of trusting people's vows and promises, I get badly disappointed and stressed when they don't fulfill it at the time they said they're gonna do it.. I may be called narrow-minded or lacking in empathy, but that is just how my mind was wired. If I get stressed because somebody disappointed me with a delayed fulfillment of a promise, or the entire breach of it--- i tend to hurl the frustration back at the person by talking bluntly, saying something like "I am stressed and badly disappointed by your so many excuses for not paying me each time I ask you--- why can't you just budget things for yourself--- so that you don't have to make people suffer like this? Perhaps you need a change of lifestyle?"

I can be that direct and frank about my feelings that I could really ruin a lot of connections. A bad thing in business maybe.

It's just that when it comes business, I am often reminded by this verse:
" Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody."- 1 Thessalonians 4:11-12

And I may be putting this verse out of context sometimes-- all because I don't want to be fooled or outplayed, or taken advantage of.

It's not always a good thing to be defensive at all times, I know, but when you know you can no longer rely on anyone to defend or uphold your rights for you--- you just have to put some boundaries, some limits to things..

Relationships matter, yes.. They matter more than money.. But money matters often reveal the kind of people you come in contact with, since money is, sadly, the way of life these days. You can give judgment or mercy--- with money.

So to set things in order, my mind has been accustomed to certain boundaries and limits set by some principles ingrained in it.

We are meant to be fruitful-- to be productive--- in all our ways. Business is simply income minus expenditures. A debt or liability is part of the expenditures. You can only gain so much with the least amount of expenditures as much as possible.

I guess it's the same principle applied to health and the maintenance of the environment. One can be healthy by having enough energy--- by providing enough resources for your bodily needs--- and efficiently using energy and not wasting it to stressful or wasteful habits.

We can help maintain a good environment for us to healthily exist and increase upon--- not by taking so much from it, by wasting too much of the resources of the earth through mass production without even having enough land to dump our garbages and excesses into---- but by giving back to the earth--- our respect for the creations and creatures that live in it--- so that it can thrive along with us.. and help us live and be productive. It's a give and take thing...just like love..

And to end this quite long exposition, let me leave you with this:

"Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law."
Romans 13:7-9

At any given moment, we must strive to be debt-free, but for as long as we are living, we owe LOVE to each and everyone.. a quite hard thing to realize when it comes to people who we are not in good terms with... but that is some sort of a command... a spiritual law--- that will most often haunt us, and knock at the door of our hearts.

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May lumalayas

May bumabalik

Pagkatapos manganak

May tinuturing na suwail at sinusumpa

Merong simpleng paborito

May sunud sunuran

May nag kukunwaring lider

At umaangkin ng kapangyarihan

May nang aabuso

May pabaya

May nakaka alam na hindi nagsasalita

May pekeng pagmamahal

May pag ibig na di nakakalimutan

May tunay na nag aalala

Meron namang walang paki alam

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I sent you a gift

wrapped in cottons and twigs

but you didnt look to see

whats inside

instead noticed how the twigs

were designed

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I am stuck in the box,

you have carefully prepared

As a gift to yourself,

you have faithfully adored

And when I've grown out its size

You were dismayed by surprise

that the box you have adorned

turned to pieces you despised

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Parang kagabi pa ako binabagabag ng mga kung anu-anong bagay.

Alas dyes na ako nakauwi kagabi dahil sinamahan kong mag tsaa sa CBTL ang kaibigan kung na mumroblema sa nangyari sa araw nya. Hindi maaaring hindi ako maapektuhan ng isyu. Pareho kami ng kaibigan kong apektado, pareho kse kami ng pananaw.
Ang pinaka isyu ay kung aaprubahan ba ang isang bagay na may anomalya, kung hahayaan lang ba ang isang "practice" na magpatuloy kahit na may mga katanungan sa "ethics" ng pamamaraan nito. Natural hindi. Ang problema ay kung may mga iilan na hahayaan lang ang mga ganitong kaso lalo na kapag malalim na ang mga nabuong relasyon, lalo na kapag mga pinagpipitagang pinagkakatiwalaan ang posisyon sa lipunan ang namamahala, lalo na't ayaw ng gulo.

Kasama na sa mga nagpapabagal o nagpipigil sa ating pag unlad ang pagpahintulot na manatili ang mga problema kahit na alam na natin ang kaso. Dahil kamo ayaw natin ng gulo.

Maliit man o malaki ang isyu, dapat pareho ang prinsipyo na pinapatakbo. Maliit man o malaking tao sa lipunan, pareho pa rin dapat ang sukatan ng tama at mali. Walang pana panahon sa kung kelan nag aaplay ang isang prinsipyo o values. Hangga't may pagkakataon, dapat patuloy itong pinapakita, hindi tinatago, hindi kinatatakutang ipahayag.

Parang hirap pa akong gumising kaninang umaga, kulang pa ang mga panaginip para maaliw at makapag pahinga ang aking pag iisip.

Maulan sa araw na ito kaya ramdam na ramdam ko ang kagustuhan ng katawan kong magpahinga na lang. Kelangan ko ng panggising.

Uminom ako ng kape at kumain ng peanut butter cookies at ice cream nung tanghali. Pagkatapos sinamahan ko ang kaibigan ko na mag withdraw sa BDO at magpadala ng pera through Western Union.

Mga ala una na yun kanina nang sinabi ng mamang guard sa BDO na may barilan na nangyayari sa Pacific Star, may radyo daw kse silang mga gwardya kaya alam nya. Kinabahan ako ng konti kse Makati Ave lang yun, malapit lang sa kinaroroonan namin. Pero di ko na pinansin, baka hinoldap na naman ang isang banko dun.

Pag punta namin ng Western Union kalmado na ko, pero pumasok ang dalawang babae na parehong nag iingay. Noong una di ko masyado naintindihan ang usapan nila, yun pala kinukwento na nila pareho sa mga teller at pati na din sa mga kliyenteng nag aantay dun yung nangyaring patayan sa Pacific Star. Ayon sa kanila, isang magandang kotse at ang may-ari nito ang target nung mga namaril, subalit kasama sa mga nasawi ang dalawang kaibigan nito na nakisakay lang nung tanghaling yun, magnobyo. Wasak daw ang windshield.

Sabi ng officemate ko marami daw kasing mga importanteng tao ang nag oopisina sa Pacific Star, marami ding pulitiko.

Isang malamig na trahedya. Nakakabigla pero saglit lang ang pagkabiglang yun. Dahil pagkatapos kong mabigla inisip ko ang implikasyon ng nangyari sa buhay nating lahat, at kung ano tlga ang kamatayan. Habang kumakain p ako ng ice cream kanina may namamatay at may pumapatay na pala sa labas ng building ng opisina. Pag gising nila kaninang umaga di naman siguro nila naisip na mamamatay sila sa araw na to.
Naisip ko din kung ano ba tlga ang mahalaga sa buhay na to. Ano nga ba? Pag namatay ka ano na?

Nung mga bandang hapon kumain ako ng tsamporado na may dilis. Biglang dating ng isang kaopisina ko at may problema daw sya. May kinontrata kami na di maayos ang pagkakagawa ng mga pinagawa sa kanila, walang proseso, hindi klaro, mahirap kausapin. May nakita akong anomalya pero hirap ako sa posisyon ko para maayos lahat ito. Ano ba ang magagawa ng isang P.A? Pero adrenalin ko na ang nag utos sa akin para gawin ang kaya kong gawin. Tinawagan ko sila. Sinabi ko ang problema sa coordinator nila.

Heto napala ko, nag text ngayong gabi lang ang isang fieldworker at ang labo ng sinabi. Kung ayaw ko daw ang mga pinag gagawa nila sabihin ko lang, dahil titigilan nya daw. The usual problem of message relay, and lack of protocol. In the first place, hindi dapat fieldworker ang kumakausap saken, dapat coordinator dahil sa level namin sa opisina, ako naman ang nag cocoordinate. Gusto ko nang irecommend na i cancel ang kontrata na to. Hirap magsayang ng pera ngayon sa isang useless o magulong output. Medyo di lang nag aagree ang boss ko dahil umaasa pa syang maayos naman ang isyu.

Pagkatapos ng araw na halos hirap magtrabaho, nanood kami ng mga bandang alas syete ni C ng "Chuck and Larry" sa Glorietta. Nasiyahan naman ako. Sumakay kami ng taxi pauwi. Sinabi ko na Kalentong kami, at dadaan lang sa PRC sa may Tejeron. Aba eh nung nasa PRC na at pinapaikot ko sya sa Tejeron ang hirit ba naman eh, "Akala ko ba Kalentong kayo?"

Sabi ko, "Bababa lang ako dyan sa Tejeron"
"Pa extra na lang, di pwede sa amin ang drop off drop off eh. Marami pa kaming dapat maisasakay, di metro lang naman kami, talo kami nyan"

"Sinabi ko naman kanina na tejeron daan natin ah? At nasa batas ba yan na magdagdag ako dahil bababa lang ako saglit? Hindi naman out of the way to ah"

Sa mabilis na salita nakipagtalo ako. At medyo tumalon na naman ang puso ko.

Medyo nanghina ako nung nakapasok na ako sa bahay, pero may inis pa din kahit na pinapahinahon na ako kanina ni C. Hayaan ko na daw at di na dapat ako nang gigigil sa mga ganun.
Magpasalamat na lang daw ako at mas mataas sweldo ko sa taxi driver.

May punto naman. Kaso para sa aken hindi sya pwedeng palampasin. Kailangan makatikim sya ng salita kahit konti, para may isipin naman sya sa buong magdamag na pag da drive.

Wala na tayo halos tiwala sa bawat isa. Hirap na talaga tayong mag buo ng isang komunidad sa ganitong sitwasyon at panahon. Wala ng pag lingap sa ikabubuti ng kapwa, wala ng bigayan. Pera na lang parati ang solusyon. Pera din ang dahilan.

Wala na halos sa isip ng karamihan ang tinatawag na tunay na serbisyo, wala nang kalidad halos ang mga ginagawa. Dahil siguro wala din sa puso ang ginagawa. Dahil napipilitan lang na gawin ito. Dahil ang kailangan lang para mabuhay ng maayos sa mundong ito ay pera, para magkaron ng bahay, ng pagkain, at kumportableng buhay. Hindi na iniisip ng marami ang tunay na kaligayahan at kung saan ito nang gagaling.

Masarap na lang itawa sa hangin ang lahat. At iiyak sa kawalan ang mga problemang isinasantabi na parang basura. Masarap isisi sa iba.

Pero pag natulog tayo at nagising, tayo lang ang nakakaalam sa mga sarili natin kung ano talaga ang estado ng lahat, na maaaring kadalasan ay bahagi rin tayo ng sistemang sinasabi nating isang malaking problema.

Muli, maaring simulan nga sa ating mga sarili ang pag unlad. Binigyan tayo ng kapasidad na magalit, na mainis sa mga nangyayari. Binigyan tayo ng kakaibang lakas sa pamamagitan ng mga hormones at ng pag iisip para maisakatuparan ang mga gusto nating mangyari.

Malaki ang sakripisyo na maaring kaakibat ng kagustuhang umunlad. Pero nagsisimula ito sa pag amin na may mali sa mga nangyayari, at pag amin ng sariling pagkakamali, dahil walang mangyayaring pag babago patungo sa kaunlaran kung lahat na lang ay tama, kung hindi na pwedeng magtalo, kung hindi na iisipin at titingnan kung saan may mali, kung wala ng bawal gawin, kung wala ng kasunduan, at walang pagbibigay.

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The fascination over Johnny Depp after watching ..At World's End lingered, much longer than expected. I so love his built, and the way he moves. There is something about him that I can't explain. He is both an artist, and a work of art. Can I be your personal assistant Johnny?If one asks me about the plot, or the details, I must admit I barely remember. I think i understand only a fourth of the story.At least two lines and two scenes had great impact on me, though.The first line and the first scene is when Elizabeth was about to kiss him again for immense gratitude. He held himself back and said "Once is quite enough".Wow. Such enviable restraint... (of course, the last time Elizabeth did kiss him, he ended up getting chained on his ship and swallowed by the Krakken, thereby consigning him to Davey Jones' Locker; so i guess you really can't blame him if he chose to rein back on his passion a bit).The 2nd line is WIll Turner's response to his father when the latter said he will only be seeing Elizabeth for a day and will then spend 10 years on the sea: " It depends on what you do with that one day". Such infallible hope.The 2nd scene is the end scene, and also my most favorite. Jack is seen sailing alone, displaying his genius, revealing the one thing he so inconspicuously desired. Such craftiness.The imagery stuck in my head. I was again reminded of the common theme in The Alchemist and the Art of War, that when one dreams about one thing, and is single-minded, all the forces in the universe will conspire to help in achieving it. What did Jack Sparrow want? I was slow at figuring out at first, but eventually I heard myself said "eternity", and thought a second time and uttered "yeah, it's immortality"We all want it. But all the inspiring books I've read so far taught me not to be double minded about it. Immortality demands unwavering patience and hope, even in the face of death. One cannot yield to anything else.Emotions are there, yes. We all can be spontaneous, and at times fail and forget what the dream is all about. But there is some unseen energy out there, that never fails to remind us. I cannot name it. But it is one that keeps this world breathing. The desire for eternal life is in each of our hearts. That is what keeps us breathing.

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