May lumalayas May bumabalik Pagkatapos manganak May tinuturing na suwail at sinusumpa Merong simpleng paborito May sunud sunuran May nag kukunwaring lider At umaangkin ng kapangyarihan May nang aabuso May pabaya May nakaka alam na hindi nagsasalita May pekeng pagmamahal May pag ibig na di nakakalimutan May tunay na nag aalala Meron namang walang paki alam
I sent you a gift wrapped in cottons and twigs but you didnt look to see whats inside instead noticed how the twigs were designed
I am stuck in the box, you have carefully prepared As a gift to yourself, you have faithfully adored And when I've grown out its size You were dismayed by surprise that the box you have adorned turned to pieces you despised
Parang kagabi pa ako binabagabag ng mga kung anu-anong bagay.
Alas dyes na ako nakauwi kagabi dahil sinamahan kong mag tsaa sa CBTL ang kaibigan kung na mumroblema sa nangyari sa araw nya. Hindi maaaring hindi ako maapektuhan ng isyu. Pareho kami ng kaibigan kong apektado, pareho kse kami ng pananaw.
Ang pinaka isyu ay kung aaprubahan ba ang isang bagay na may anomalya, kung hahayaan lang ba ang isang "practice" na magpatuloy kahit na may mga katanungan sa "ethics" ng pamamaraan nito. Natural hindi. Ang problema ay kung may mga iilan na hahayaan lang ang mga ganitong kaso lalo na kapag malalim na ang mga nabuong relasyon, lalo na kapag mga pinagpipitagang pinagkakatiwalaan ang posisyon sa lipunan ang namamahala, lalo na't ayaw ng gulo.
Kasama na sa mga nagpapabagal o nagpipigil sa ating pag unlad ang pagpahintulot na manatili ang mga problema kahit na alam na natin ang kaso. Dahil kamo ayaw natin ng gulo.
Maliit man o malaki ang isyu, dapat pareho ang prinsipyo na pinapatakbo. Maliit man o malaking tao sa lipunan, pareho pa rin dapat ang sukatan ng tama at mali. Walang pana panahon sa kung kelan nag aaplay ang isang prinsipyo o values. Hangga't may pagkakataon, dapat patuloy itong pinapakita, hindi tinatago, hindi kinatatakutang ipahayag.
Parang hirap pa akong gumising kaninang umaga, kulang pa ang mga panaginip para maaliw at makapag pahinga ang aking pag iisip.
Maulan sa araw na ito kaya ramdam na ramdam ko ang kagustuhan ng katawan kong magpahinga na lang. Kelangan ko ng panggising.
Uminom ako ng kape at kumain ng peanut butter cookies at ice cream nung tanghali. Pagkatapos sinamahan ko ang kaibigan ko na mag withdraw sa BDO at magpadala ng pera through Western Union.
Mga ala una na yun kanina nang sinabi ng mamang guard sa BDO na may barilan na nangyayari sa Pacific Star, may radyo daw kse silang mga gwardya kaya alam nya. Kinabahan ako ng konti kse Makati Ave lang yun, malapit lang sa kinaroroonan namin. Pero di ko na pinansin, baka hinoldap na naman ang isang banko dun.
Pag punta namin ng Western Union kalmado na ko, pero pumasok ang dalawang babae na parehong nag iingay. Noong una di ko masyado naintindihan ang usapan nila, yun pala kinukwento na nila pareho sa mga teller at pati na din sa mga kliyenteng nag aantay dun yung nangyaring patayan sa Pacific Star. Ayon sa kanila, isang magandang kotse at ang may-ari nito ang target nung mga namaril, subalit kasama sa mga nasawi ang dalawang kaibigan nito na nakisakay lang nung tanghaling yun, magnobyo. Wasak daw ang windshield.
Sabi ng officemate ko marami daw kasing mga importanteng tao ang nag oopisina sa Pacific Star, marami ding pulitiko.
Isang malamig na trahedya. Nakakabigla pero saglit lang ang pagkabiglang yun. Dahil pagkatapos kong mabigla inisip ko ang implikasyon ng nangyari sa buhay nating lahat, at kung ano tlga ang kamatayan. Habang kumakain p ako ng ice cream kanina may namamatay at may pumapatay na pala sa labas ng building ng opisina. Pag gising nila kaninang umaga di naman siguro nila naisip na mamamatay sila sa araw na to.
Naisip ko din kung ano ba tlga ang mahalaga sa buhay na to. Ano nga ba? Pag namatay ka ano na?
Nung mga bandang hapon kumain ako ng tsamporado na may dilis. Biglang dating ng isang kaopisina ko at may problema daw sya. May kinontrata kami na di maayos ang pagkakagawa ng mga pinagawa sa kanila, walang proseso, hindi klaro, mahirap kausapin. May nakita akong anomalya pero hirap ako sa posisyon ko para maayos lahat ito. Ano ba ang magagawa ng isang P.A? Pero adrenalin ko na ang nag utos sa akin para gawin ang kaya kong gawin. Tinawagan ko sila. Sinabi ko ang problema sa coordinator nila.
Heto napala ko, nag text ngayong gabi lang ang isang fieldworker at ang labo ng sinabi. Kung ayaw ko daw ang mga pinag gagawa nila sabihin ko lang, dahil titigilan nya daw. The usual problem of message relay, and lack of protocol. In the first place, hindi dapat fieldworker ang kumakausap saken, dapat coordinator dahil sa level namin sa opisina, ako naman ang nag cocoordinate. Gusto ko nang irecommend na i cancel ang kontrata na to. Hirap magsayang ng pera ngayon sa isang useless o magulong output. Medyo di lang nag aagree ang boss ko dahil umaasa pa syang maayos naman ang isyu.
Pagkatapos ng araw na halos hirap magtrabaho, nanood kami ng mga bandang alas syete ni C ng "Chuck and Larry" sa Glorietta. Nasiyahan naman ako. Sumakay kami ng taxi pauwi. Sinabi ko na Kalentong kami, at dadaan lang sa PRC sa may Tejeron. Aba eh nung nasa PRC na at pinapaikot ko sya sa Tejeron ang hirit ba naman eh, "Akala ko ba Kalentong kayo?"
Sabi ko, "Bababa lang ako dyan sa Tejeron"
"Pa extra na lang, di pwede sa amin ang drop off drop off eh. Marami pa kaming dapat maisasakay, di metro lang naman kami, talo kami nyan"
"Sinabi ko naman kanina na tejeron daan natin ah? At nasa batas ba yan na magdagdag ako dahil bababa lang ako saglit? Hindi naman out of the way to ah"
Sa mabilis na salita nakipagtalo ako. At medyo tumalon na naman ang puso ko.
Medyo nanghina ako nung nakapasok na ako sa bahay, pero may inis pa din kahit na pinapahinahon na ako kanina ni C. Hayaan ko na daw at di na dapat ako nang gigigil sa mga ganun.
Magpasalamat na lang daw ako at mas mataas sweldo ko sa taxi driver.
May punto naman. Kaso para sa aken hindi sya pwedeng palampasin. Kailangan makatikim sya ng salita kahit konti, para may isipin naman sya sa buong magdamag na pag da drive.
Wala na tayo halos tiwala sa bawat isa. Hirap na talaga tayong mag buo ng isang komunidad sa ganitong sitwasyon at panahon. Wala ng pag lingap sa ikabubuti ng kapwa, wala ng bigayan. Pera na lang parati ang solusyon. Pera din ang dahilan.
Wala na halos sa isip ng karamihan ang tinatawag na tunay na serbisyo, wala nang kalidad halos ang mga ginagawa. Dahil siguro wala din sa puso ang ginagawa. Dahil napipilitan lang na gawin ito. Dahil ang kailangan lang para mabuhay ng maayos sa mundong ito ay pera, para magkaron ng bahay, ng pagkain, at kumportableng buhay. Hindi na iniisip ng marami ang tunay na kaligayahan at kung saan ito nang gagaling.
Masarap na lang itawa sa hangin ang lahat. At iiyak sa kawalan ang mga problemang isinasantabi na parang basura. Masarap isisi sa iba.
Pero pag natulog tayo at nagising, tayo lang ang nakakaalam sa mga sarili natin kung ano talaga ang estado ng lahat, na maaaring kadalasan ay bahagi rin tayo ng sistemang sinasabi nating isang malaking problema.
Muli, maaring simulan nga sa ating mga sarili ang pag unlad. Binigyan tayo ng kapasidad na magalit, na mainis sa mga nangyayari. Binigyan tayo ng kakaibang lakas sa pamamagitan ng mga hormones at ng pag iisip para maisakatuparan ang mga gusto nating mangyari.
Malaki ang sakripisyo na maaring kaakibat ng kagustuhang umunlad. Pero nagsisimula ito sa pag amin na may mali sa mga nangyayari, at pag amin ng sariling pagkakamali, dahil walang mangyayaring pag babago patungo sa kaunlaran kung lahat na lang ay tama, kung hindi na pwedeng magtalo, kung hindi na iisipin at titingnan kung saan may mali, kung wala ng bawal gawin, kung wala ng kasunduan, at walang pagbibigay.
The fascination over Johnny Depp after watching ..At World's End lingered, much longer than expected. I so love his built, and the way he moves. There is something about him that I can't explain. He is both an artist, and a work of art. Can I be your personal assistant Johnny?If one asks me about the plot, or the details, I must admit I barely remember. I think i understand only a fourth of the story.At least two lines and two scenes had great impact on me, though.The first line and the first scene is when Elizabeth was about to kiss him again for immense gratitude. He held himself back and said "Once is quite enough".Wow. Such enviable restraint... (of course, the last time Elizabeth did kiss him, he ended up getting chained on his ship and swallowed by the Krakken, thereby consigning him to Davey Jones' Locker; so i guess you really can't blame him if he chose to rein back on his passion a bit).The 2nd line is WIll Turner's response to his father when the latter said he will only be seeing Elizabeth for a day and will then spend 10 years on the sea: " It depends on what you do with that one day". Such infallible hope.The 2nd scene is the end scene, and also my most favorite. Jack is seen sailing alone, displaying his genius, revealing the one thing he so inconspicuously desired. Such craftiness.The imagery stuck in my head. I was again reminded of the common theme in The Alchemist and the Art of War, that when one dreams about one thing, and is single-minded, all the forces in the universe will conspire to help in achieving it. What did Jack Sparrow want? I was slow at figuring out at first, but eventually I heard myself said "eternity", and thought a second time and uttered "yeah, it's immortality"We all want it. But all the inspiring books I've read so far taught me not to be double minded about it. Immortality demands unwavering patience and hope, even in the face of death. One cannot yield to anything else.Emotions are there, yes. We all can be spontaneous, and at times fail and forget what the dream is all about. But there is some unseen energy out there, that never fails to remind us. I cannot name it. But it is one that keeps this world breathing. The desire for eternal life is in each of our hearts. That is what keeps us breathing.
Pause is a stop A momentary stop But what if it feels like eternal like reaching the full stop? For we are naturally carved for development and productivity but what if that fire within our natural carving is snuffed out and there is nothing that moves us to do, to be and we suddenly find ourselves stopping to do and to be eternal pause sometimes is the final closure of death we feel like we are gonna die in that pause… we fail to do and to be we are gonna die in failure we are gonna die not doing, not being and that is, we die before our real death I miss writing but i cant write about anything yet I miss dreaming too but i dont know what to dream about I don’t know what I am hungry for Or what I care about I miss being inspired but I don’t know what will inspire me or what will ignite the fire in my heart i wana write with my whole heart in it like i used to before i wana be proud of what i just accomplished like i used to before i wana be interested in learning like i used to before i wana be so hungry for anything, for everything that exists For hunger fills anyone like a placebo for existence We think we exist when we are hungry But it is a quenchless hunger for the fire, for the spirit That moves us to do, to be And frees us from the trappings of the eternal pause
I was born in 1981, when Lady Di wed Prince Charles.
I don’t have a memory of me being born, of course.
But I don’t remember being naturally in bliss as a baby.
My mind always doubted all things. I doubted people’s intentions when they appreciated me, when they asked me about my age, when they taught me what to say.
I doubted my mother’s jokes when she tried to make me laugh.
It was always easy to make me cry, I guess doubting made it easy. It’s either when I was physically sick or my most trusted elders abandoned me for a moment,, without trying to make me understand why I should be left.
I experienced being locked in a big house alone until evening, without understanding why. Only fear remained. I had been locked in a room the whole day. Only the unfulfilled desire to go out and play and enjoy stayed in my heart. I had been left in an unknown person’s house, and I didn’t know why.
I had a memory of me being brought to the city by my mother. We took the train. I was three then. We went home after a week, because the flood came to town, and the railway was destroyed, and the bus couldn’t pass through the highway.
I questioned even the distribution of relief goods to all residents of the town. Why should they give on times like those, and only during those times?
I questioned the quack doctor who often checked my mother. Why couldn’t she heal her? Why is her process so ineffective that my mother needs to leave the town for that big city called Manila? It was 1984. Why the need to abandon me and leave me with people who were not accountable for my existence, who would often remind me who my parents are who my grandparents are… Again, I cried when she said she was leaving. That last day of her stay in that big house, I followed her wherever she went, to the bathroom, to the CR, to her room.
Half grandma said nanay will come back after a year of education, when she’s healed. But I doubted it. I knew, I simply knew I had to be with her wherever she goes.
Somehow even if I doubted her jokes, I knew I would miss her terribly. Even when she did not teach me well, and feed me with milk that I like (that time I didn’t like that milk rationed by the Americans—it’s non-fat, it wasn’t that creamy and delicious). I knew that she tried feeding me with good things, and making me happy, to the best that she could. She died just after I celebrated my 5th birthday.
I had a memory of me feeling mature over my mother. I didn’t feel I was a child, a mere child, as people would often remind me. I had to consciously instill into my brains that yes, I am just a child.. and I should not feel so bad about things.
Abandonment has a way of hastening growth. In my mind, I have already grown.
People will not notice it easily. They thought I am too vulnerable, unable to make good decisions,
unable to determine falsehood and protect myself from deception. They thought I can easily be lured to do things for people out of their desire to please themselves.
I guess I am beyond that but it doesn’t matter if they don’t notice.
Often, my motivations come from very basic principles. The first is knowing my heart and what it wants and going after its desires, not minding the circumstances, or the hurdles. I get challenged by difficulties, by resistance.
For me life is not shaped by fate alone. In every person there is a power more powerful than the workings of the universe. As long as a person is single-minded about what s/he wants.
This principle, I know has led too many to rebellion, and to destruction. I am fully aware of that. I have learned the side effects of not doing it right.
These people don’t really know what their heart wants. At some point, I thought I knew, and went after my wants. I thought I can shape things according to my purpose. I thought faith will let me stay in my struggles. I thought faith will let me work harder and harder, till that end of heaven is attained. But no………..
There is still another basic principle, much stronger than the other one mentioned that shapes my life.
The previous was a principle brought by my biological existence, by the abandonment.
This one is brought by the power that brought me to existence. I did not come to this world by my own powers. Someone did. I guess while I was still in the womb, He promised to take care of me, He promised to keep me alive. I am His.. I don’t belong to myself. My future is not shaped by my wants alone. He shapes my wants. Like one of the pieces in the chessboard, He arranges the path for me, and commands where I should go. This is the 2nd principle, and this is what keeps me alive. It protects me even from myself.
No matter what I do, whatever decision I make, I am motivated by these two parent principles.
And I don’t blame things to fate. I don’t blame. I don’t blame God for things that happen in my life.
No one should.
These are the things that I have heard… and somehow learned from the elders:
Grandma, now 80.
“ Don’t go around spreading “chismis”. It is false knowledge, it doesn’t produce wisdom. When you gossip, you don’t make people respect you, and you are prone to bad words. When u gossip, you will always be afraid that people are gossiping about you too.
“We discipline you because you are still a child, and it will be easy. When you grow old, it will be hard.”
“Search after knowledge and wisdom, for it will be with you wherever you go. It is a treasure that no one can steal”
“Let integrity stay with you, it will keep your head up wherever street you walk”
Godmother, now 57.
“Don’t feel hurt when you are disciplined, that means you are loved”
“You are not anybody’s child. You are God’s child”
“Wherever you are, if you are really smart and wise, you will always excel. There are no selected places for learned people”
Half-grandma, now 86.
“Don’t kill yourself out of mere embarrassment. This is just life, things will be solved. Be patient”
“Keep yourself cool. Don’t linger in sadness, you’ll die easily.
“Always look back to people who took care of you when you needed them. Prioritize them”
“Always pray wherever you are, you don’t know what life will bring you. God does.”
Math teacher in elementary:
“Stay in your faith wherever you go, and your life will not be in vain.”